Monday, May 30, 2016

Defying former Masters

I have been a submissive my entire life. 

I am the introverted child of two introverts. My parents did not have friends really while I was growing up, not until I went to college.

I never fit in with my classmates. From the very start, I was different. I don't know how much of that is nature and how much is nurture, but different nevertheless. 

Because of this, I had a very limited number of friends growing up. My parents were my entire world and I, theirs. I was always very eager to please. I would do whatever I could to get attention, praise, affection from my parents. And, truly, it was plentiful. 

Up until I was about eight years old, my existence was pretty awesome. 

Then, my dad, (I had been daddy's little girl) withdrew. Something had changed. 

I have been turning this over and over in my mind for years. The only solution that I can find is that I started to turn into a girl. Prior to that... I was kind of unisex. I could go out and go to airshows with my dad, go hiking, shoot model rockets. 

Whatever the actual cause, it happened. 

My parents were very protective of me growing up. They were in charge of pretty much every aspect of my life, and their opinions governed the occurences of my life. They were also acutely religious... they things that they didn't control, someone in the Church had made an edict to cover. Thou shalt not... whatever. Pick your nose in church. Be sexually attracted to anyone. (unless you are married, of course)The list could go on forever. 

Until I moved out of my home town, this continued to be the case. I was married... but it didn't matter much. My parents' opinion still continued to play a major role in the actions that I took in my life. This really wasn't a problem until I began to have my own ideas. Heaven forbid. 

All things change. I moved away, outside of their sphere of influence. My horizons expanded. 

When I got my divorce, it was as though my parents expected me to just come right back under their wing. After the tyranny of my ex, I wanted nothing to do with their control. I was burned out on religion, the Church, the South. I was emotionally at my limits and all it felt that they wanted to do was "bring me back into the fold." Come home, marry the preacher's son, have four beautiful blue-eyed children... blah blah blah. 

Well, it's been three years now. I feel like I have been continually turning their hair grey since that time. I have done outrageous things like: have more than one sexual partner, try marijuana, read Henry Miller. I'm so scandalous. 

And yet, defying their wishes is still one of the hardest things that I do. I was talking to Master a couple of days ago, when I had an interesting thought on this. My parents were my first Masters. They controlled my thoughts and actions for 24 years. No wonder this is difficult for me. 

But, I have the support of friends, Master, my therapist. 

I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, and take one day at a time. Someday, I will look back on these few years and be glad that I made my own path. Today, I'm simply exhausted. 

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